First off I really want to thank the whole wave of support that was shown to me after my last blog post – it was incredible! Despite being in a room of strangers at night my laptop was overflowing with friends and well-wishers.
I came home a few days ago. Simple things are a novelty. Belongings being around you is one. A shower with a consistent temperature is another. A duvet. Wearing clothes instead of pyjamas. Being able to bend my arm because the cannula is out. Wonderful, simple every day images such as trees and our dog leaping about in the garden. I’m still pretty sore, the surgeon commented afterwards that they were pretty rough and I’m still feeling the after effects. I’m sore but thankful.
After a few days at home, we decided it would be a nice trip if we could go to the cinema and see “Fantastic Beasts and where to find them”. I have been looking forward to this film for a very long time! On the way to the cinema our car was rear-ended! Luckily we were travelling pretty slowly and no one was injured. Everything insurance wise is being sorted out. Somehow, we made it to the cinema on time. However, once we arrived the till attendant looked rather sheepish… the lift was broken. Mum and I gave each other one of those looks that you reserve for when EVERYTHING in life appears to be going wrong.
Luckily I have a dad who is a superhero/ Fireman for his day job so he carried me up three flights of stairs! I asked him if he did this a lot at work – and he said “We’re normally getting people out of a burning building, not carrying them back in.” I think it was a bit of a workout for him but we reached the top. We watched the film, which I loved. If you go in with the attitude that this is a completely different franchise to Harry Potter you will love it. Don’t make comparisons to Harry Potter, otherwise I think you may be disappointed.
I’m hoping to get back to school soon, but I am awaiting a date for the second attempt at my surgery which could be any time. I hope it’s at the beginning of December or after Christmas. I’m really looking forward to a peaceful time with the family. I have forced my dad to bring down my Christmas decorations so that I can get my room ready just in case I’m called in. I don’t want to get home to a decorationless room!
So last week I was admitted to hospital for an operation, unfortunately this operation didn’t work and I’m going to have to have another one at a different hospital. Being in hospital compounds your emotions, tires you out and can leave you feeling very isolated – especially as I am about an hour and a half away from my family and friends at the moment. Being in hospital never fails to place things in to perspective for me. I am on a ward where there are a few people with terminal illnesses and a lady died yesterday. I didn’t know the woman, I’d never met her, but this has been my first experience of being in the same room as death. It’s made me feel extremely down, but I am reassured by the fact that she was nursed through the night by incredible NHS staff, who looked after her in a sensitive and loving way.
I, selfishly, cried. I don’t feel that it was my place to cry, but the wonderful staff on this ward let me cry. They talked to me on such a human level and did their best to make me feel better. A big issue for me while I’ve been in is my personal inability to wash my hair. I had surgery on my abdomen and so have been in bed for a few days. Yesterday, after the death of this lady they washed my hair, dried it, French plaited it and talked to me about all the things that I love and enjoy. These members of staff have been looking after me physically and emotionally in such an incredible way. These members of staff come in to work to meet care needs, but daily go over and above. The NHS in an exceptional service that we need to protect, respect and maintain.
I haven’t been doing much while I’ve been in, I’ve mainly been watching DVDs and reading little and often. It’s such an emotion heightened environment that I have been writing poetry – stuff I’m not sure I will ever share with anyone else. My family have been incredible, making the journey here every single day and keeping my chin up. Give the people you love an extra long hug tonight – and enjoy the little things, the five minute study breaks, some choccy in front of the telly. If anything, being in here has given me perspective – because the saying “someone always has it worse than you do” is true, but it should probably be more like “there are millions of people who have it worse than you do”.
The level of support from my last blog post was very unexpected. I was stunned. So many people read the post – and some have been in contact with similar conditions and experiences. I have joined some closed Facebook groups as well – and feel very connected to others now. You wouldn’t believe the amount of courage it took to press that little “post” button for that post. I was really worried what people’s reactions would be. I thought people would ignore it on their feed!
The reaction was one of warm kindness and I can’t thank friends or strangers enough. We are a very reserved family, and usually hate other people knowing our business so I was worried what my family would think about me telling all on such an open forum. My dad came home smiling that day, and said he was proud of me. It’s given me increased confidence, that’s for sure. I don’t worry about answering the door to the postman anymore, he’s got used to the tube I think. He did look quite shocked the first couple of times though, I have to admit. Ha!
On another topic, I recently got glasses. I haven’t stopped reading since! One in particular, that I read a few weeks ago is lingering in my head. I wouldn’t say it was my favourite collection of poetry, but I enjoyed it and it’s just stuck there. The collection is titled ‘the princess saves herself in this one’ by amanda lovelace (all lower case, as throughout the collection). It charts a young woman’s journey through heartbreak, loss and love with an overarching theme of needing to take time for self-care. Some of the poems used images used hundreds of times by other people e.g. something along the lines of a ‘blackberry bruise’ – but there were a dozen poems in the book that I have bookmarked and keep on going back to. These selected poems removed some kind of block in my mind and made me see things differently. It’s almost been like seeing through a window I hadn’t noticed before. The poems are compressed and every word is chosen to fit just right.
I don’t really have much else to say. Thank you once again for your support, it makes things so much easier to have love and understanding around.